What I'm taking...What I'm leaving behind...

I am working on having a Moving Sale this weekend, selling off TONS of belongings. We are moving in 6 weeks and we wanted to get our things shipped to the USA soon, so we have had to sort through things quickly. The sale seemed the obvious thing to do, though I am pretty dang tired now!!

The more I am visualizing leaving the UK the more I think about what I am leaving behind. And as for the friends I'm leaving behind, well there aren't very many! I've made NONE in the past 1 1/2 years and I can hardly believe it. It really struck me today as I was at the pre-school and NO ONE spoke to me, even though I look friendly, act open and make the intention to speak to others. I came home and was in tears. I am moving, put up signs there to advertise my Moving Sale, and not one person there asked me how it is all going, or anything. People are just too busy to care. And it makes me feel so sad. Today I feel like the whole world doesn't care. Sigh.

I am lonely, wish I was doing my house sale with a friend, or family member to help me out. It is when I am "doing things" that I notice that it would be a lot more fun to have a friend to help me. I normally drift along, doing stuff with my husband, so I guess I have forgotten about real friends. And the funny thing is that I just don't see how I have been unfriendly or closed to people. Some people have said that British villagers can be insular, so perhaps that is part of it. Still, I see lots of people who look like they could use friends (or at least a smile). Have I had up some sort of subconsious barrier?

I just wish I'd made more of an effort. I know that I was depressed for a long time, and that affected my outlook, but I still wish I had made friends. I wish I had some friends to be leaving behind. People who would miss me. It feels bad to leave England, and have few people care that I am leaving.

Okay, well that's enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I really am treasuring the transition time and it feels full of some sort of pure, zingy energy. I have so much to look forward to, and change is invigorating. I am really happy to be getting rid of most of it actually. I am excited that I'll be able to get new junk when I get to the USA. TARGET, here I come!

Week 2 of my 100 Day Challenge (Series 2)!

I'm on my second week, and I'm behind on things. I had a "hiccup" because my cold made me tired last week, and then my son had a fever on and off for a few days and nights. I didn't sleep well as a result of that, which meant I lost my momentum on my Challenge. I did in fact do a lot of organizing, cancelling subscriptions, contacted some of my family, etc. I've learned that even when we feel "out of it" we can find something that we can do to keep ourselves on track. When I am unable to do anything I end up depressed. That is different than choosing to do nothing, I guess it makes me feel out of control and unproductive. Sigh.

There is also a feeling of sadness hovering around me, like a bittersweet taste in my mouth (it might be the dark chocolate rice cake I just ate). It is the feeling that even though I am moving forward with my life, I am leaving my beloved England behind. I dreamt of living here for almost 2 decades, finally moved in 2000, got married, etc. My life fell into a rut here for awhile, I didn't "do" all of the things I meant to do while living here, and now I am living with the question of regret. I won't allow myself to regret though, I accept everything as part of the lessons of life. I still have 8 weeks to "Live in England" so will absolutely make the most of it!!!

Aside from "Pondering the Future" I've doing lots of talking (and some grumbling) with DH and we finally booked our flights!!

In the past week I also accomplished:

1. Lost 3 pounds!
2. Managed to exercise each day, and eat 80% of my target foods.
3. Set the dates for our move, told my Mom, arranged to stay with her in the USA.
4. Completed the application form for the VISA, am nearly ready to post it.
5. Organized 2 cupboards!!
6. Decided that we will ship only what we absolutely love to the USA (no furniture).

This week is about:
Making an 8-Week Plan, Deciding on the things I will experience before leaving the UK, Posting the Visa application, Making a Health Chart (I'm so much better with keeping on track when I have a chart to "tick things off of." Probably an ADD thing!), and doing my Decision Teaching Video.

I read a quote yesterday that I've been keeping in my head. I have moments where I wonder if I can accept and embrace all of the changes that I am going to be making soon, both the exciting ones and the daunting ones...and this quote hit the spot:

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that’s necessary for believing in it. Ugo Betti

I'll be putting more videos up soon, stay tuned!!
Clarissa xoxoxoxo

New Challenges and staring my next 100 Day Challenge!!

I am SO EXCITED to be revealing that we have made the decision about where our family will move this summer!!
We are going to move to the USA to be nearer to my family!

I have danced around this option for a couple of years, gotten close to doing it once, then backed off. I have had a lot to resolve in myself before I felt ready to be open to my family again. There are several things that led me to this decision, and it would take awhile to write it all down. I think I will do a video on it soon. The very last piece to the puzzle was found after reading a great article on Decicion Making. I found myself asking "What do I want to Experience?" The answer was: support, friends, ease of living, fun, Colin staying in pre-school (not going into Intake year here in the UK), and spending some time with my family. When my husband asked me if I could put off seeing my family so we'd have time to move and resettle, I got very upset and couldn't even speak to him.

Within 24 hours I knew that I had to go live near to my family for awhile (not just a 2 week holiday) and everything else would just have to wait! The funny thing is now that everything I want to experience will be met by moving over there!

So, on the back of this Monumental Decision I officially began my 2nd 100 Day Challenge with Co-Creating Our Reality on May 18th! Check out my latest YouTube Video to see what I am Intended to Manifest! May 18th happens to be the anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens (pictured) and that is near where I am from. Seemed like the perfect day to set my intention to move back! I intend that manifestations will explode all around me in easy, positive ways!

I am also going to use Weekly Intentions to help guide the process. I will normally do this here each Sunday, but I've had a cold so am just gettin round to doing my blog today, oh well!

This weeks Intentions:

1. I post off the completed application for my husband's Visa to the USA.
2. I find a charity that can use our unwanted baby items.
3. I finish my Vision Video for Season 2!
4. Set up menus for healthy eating
5. I have lost 2+ pounds
6. I have organized 2 cupboards
7. I have taken photos of Colin's artwork
8. I've made my health appointments

That's it for today, tune in again soon!
Clarissa J. Kelly

Unravelling the Tensions...

Last weeks Intentions were working, though my energy level dropped down so low that I focused on that instead of creating something different. It created tension in my body and mind, which made me feel a bit powerless. Once I asked my body to tell me what it needed I worked things out and felt much better. I got the ball rolling on several things and manifested a few of my intentions, too.

The story since April 23rd:

1. Health: My cold has morphed into another cold (or viscious hay-fever?). I have been ultra-tired lately, partly because of tensions and stresses over my future. I had gotten on track with "Food Combining" (see my video) but after several days of feeling very ill I had to re-evaluate things. I was eating way too much fruit (blood sugar was a mess) and way too little protein. I realized that I have been using certain health practices in a vacuum, not integrating the other knowledge that I already have about my health. TRUST YOUR SELF-KNOWLEDGE CLARISSA!!! (That is for me, of course). I have since ordered two books on Food Combining by Susanne Somers which are awesome. I had used them in the past but had "forgotten" that her advice had been so beneficial (and balanced) for me. Go figure... I also received my results today from the allergy test lab!! I finally know what I am intolerant to (Milk and Yeast, among other things). So I'm feeling more in control of my health, and not quite as exhausted.

2. Organization has been working in spurts, I haven't had the physical energy to finish, so I am picturing the end result, it is coming...

3. My family's future!! THIS has been frustrating me for MONTHS and I know that I simply have been too focused on the "Lack of Direction" and have needed to ease up. Well, I'm still not much easier with this, but I have made the DECISION that my son's education is going to be our first priority. I have been intending to send him to an alternative school, rather than a state school, and we've been looking at the options (and there aren't very many in the UK). We visited an amazing school on Friday that really inspired us though, so we've felt we are on the right track! It was a school that I had dreamed of visiting for ages but never let myself believe I was worth it (it seemed too perfect). The school was one of the most amazing places I'd ever been! It is a world of possibility that should be a model for the future of all children. We even got to watch some children doing their annual MayPole dancing, it was just idyllic...

Visiting the school was a breakthrough for me, as it would have been a road never travelled and I'd have always wondered "what was there for me???" Well, I decided today that although we loved the school we couldn't afford to live there and pay for the school both (expensive area). My dear husband would have to have a long commute if we did, and my priority is to keep my family together, not add stresses and separation. SO, after deciding that we'd just have to find another school...I found a branch of that school JUST DOWN THE ROAD!!! Now, this is crazy because I had LOOKED AND LOOKED for schools in our area and I never saw that school there before. I had even looked at the national site for that particular type of school, and this one is not listed there... Weird!! I think this proves that timing is everything. AND the great thing is that they are having an Open Day next Saturday and I was worried I'd have missed it (many of the others have already had theirs). WOW!

4. Peace in my Marriage: This is getting stronger and stronger, we've both been more loving and (mostly) patient this week. Coming together on the School Issue has given us a bond, too, and I am very Grateful!!!

5. Appointments: I made a handful of them (avoided a few), but saw a doctor about a nagging health-issue and am feeling much more open to getting the other stuff done. I see my Hypnotherapist next week and I can't wait!!!

6. Support: This is growing: I had some great conversations with my best friend again this week, Shaun is being VERY supportive, and I'm getting health support, too. Oh, and The 100 Day Challenge group continues to be wonderfully kind and generous with comments and messages, thanks to all of you who are reading this!!!

NEXT WEEK I AM OPEN TO MANIFESTING:

Family Future Plans: We manifest very clear steps to follow towards our joyful future (school, home, jobs, community). We will attend the Open Day at the Alder Bridge school and be free to enroll Colin (if we choose to) and we'll find some great, affordable houses to buy in that area.

Health: I attract Clarity on my Health Regime, the energy and support that I require to follow the regime, and to have a giant surge in stamina. I will also have a good visit with the dentist.

Peace and Harmony: I will feel a surge in this (from a 5 to level 10) in my marriage and family. My heart will have much more as well (from a 5 to a 10) about our decisions and intuition.

Organization: I will achieve 100% organization in the cupboards,, put all "homeless" items in their places, find new homes for our unwanted items, and hang up the pictures that are sitting on the floor. I will take other pictures to get framed and sort through all of my catalogs and magazines.

Support: I will have an amazing session with Jayke (hypno-lady), make an appointment with my Reflexologist, and I am open to meeting and connecting with people in my community who will offer support, ideas, insights, mentorship, and/or friendship.

Time: I will have enough time to acheive anything I choose during the week, find it easy to let go of time-drains, and complete dozens of projects in a joyful, patient, and unhurried manner.

Laughter: I will experience loads of deep belly-laughs each day, and cultivate fun and hilarity in my family and circle of friends.

More soon... :0).

ROLLING AND COASTING!

Yep, Life is a Roller-Coaster, very up and down at the moment. Yesterday was full of frustration, today is full of magic, mystery, and inspiration!


Yesterday I wasn't so up, I was letting my frustrations get the better of me and I felt very stuck and lower than usual (see this video for proof of that!)

Today I found that my energy was better, no doubt due to eating more simply. Mark Manning had put on a CCOR video challenging us to ask ourselves questions about self-honesty. I answered all of them and when I go to the eating question, I realized that I have NOT been eating according to what I know works for me. I used to do "food combining," and I always felt great when I did. (Google about it if you are interested, it's hard to explain in a wee blogspot... )

Anyway I had found a book called "Fit for Life" about 10-12 years ago, which is when I discovered the idea that we should eat to ensure that our bodies don't struggle to digest our food. Over the years I somehow "forgot" what I had learned about it and instead looked for new ways to get healthy. Check out this interview with the author, although the sound is wonky it is worth listening to!! Well, after realizing that I've been ignoring what I've known all along I have committed to following it again (and just ordered the book again, too).

The journey of life seems to be about "knowing" ourselves, learning what works for us as an individual, and what doesn't. For me, my life's lesson is to uncover who I am, work through my issues, and let my light shine as brightly as possible in order to show others ways to discover more about themselves. I now have committed to thriving on the food that works for me, taking my health seriously, and not worrying about what the latest diet guru says. Listening to my gut (literally!).

Today I also set about manifesting some small things. I haven't had very specific manifestation goals, so I haven't had much show up lately!! I decided to focus on some small things, to get my "manifestation muscles" working. This morning I had listened to a recording of Oprah talking to Esther Hicks about the Law of Attraction, and Esther reminded us that we should intend to create small manifestations in order to grow our belief in the LOA. So, I chose to manifest three small things today: A Blue Butterfly, an Orange Flower, and a Fluffy Feather. Easy things, sort of, but at least not something too crazy for me to believe, like a 3 karat diamond ring falling from the sky.

About an hour after "asking" the Universe for those things I was watching some videos and decided to check out a My Space site (of one of the 100 Day Challengers) and Look what Manifested: The Blue Butterfly!!

A couple of hours later I went to pick up my son from preschool, and he handed me a bit of art he had made today: An Orange Flower!! (sorry no picture, but I am looking at it right now, trust me here).

Okay, I've not had the feather, but maybe the others came easier because I specified a colour and could really see them. I will try again tomorrow, maybe I'll get three things!

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into."
-- Mahatma Gandhi

"I AM A WOMAN GIVING
BIRTH TO MYSELF"

I've decided to make a "Vision Statement" for each week, setting out specific goals, challenges, and things I wish to manifest. I am inspired by this video by Lilou Mace: "Lilou's Declaration." Lilous is awesome, so open and joyful... I am also inspired by this blog: "Follow the Dragonfly." This is a woman, Julie, who is building a beautiful vision of her life, and is open to being herself, and she is teaching me loads...

I have had a very challenging time uncovering my own Vision, Dreams, Desires, and Goals. I am still in the process of uncovering them, though it becomes easier day by day. I feel like I am excavating on an archaeological dig, in which pieces of the discovery are becoming clearer, though digging through dirt and debris is essential, and sometimes hard work.

This week I am open to Manifesting:

Health: I have a cold that I desire to get over with quickly, and my eating habits will be easy to choose and will support my whole body).
Organization in my house and with my time will be easy and expand my energies.
Peace in my marriage. I will love fully and listen always.
Ideas for my family's future: Inspiring, solid, expansive, magical ideas emerge.
Appointments: I find it easy to make them and I connect with the right people to help me with my goals for health, driving, and naturalisation (UK passport).
Support: I am open to support, however the Universe chooses to bring it.

I am full of hope and wonder at the life that is unfolding, the "real me" that is rising to the surface is showing me that life is full of Possibilities!!

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
– Peter Marshall

My best freind Kerrie (Hi Kerrie!) said to me recently that what we are doing on the 100 Day Challenge is Revoloutionary and the ideas behind it are groundbreaking. She reminded me that many people in the world won't be ready to go where I am going. Many won't even be ready to talk about such things as the Law of Attraction, or any other Metaphysical idea for that matter. Anything that asks us to go beyond what we can take in with our senses creates strong debate, heightens emotions, and challenges us to confront what it is that we DO IN FACT BELIEVE.

Many of us in the West have become vague about things like that. We have become bland about our beliefs, morals, ideals, customs, etc.. Nothing wrong with being Open or Inclusive, but instead we've just become reluctant to be specific about what we "Know For Sure." People like Oprah are popular because they say what they believe, whether others agree or not. Even George Bush gets respect (or used to) for speaking his mind emphatically (not that I have ever been a fan of GWB). Better to stand for something, rather than nothing at all!

However, I am finding that uncovering what I believe in, or even believe about myself is a Challenge!! What DO I want? Where DO I want to go in life? These answers aren't easy! Goals are a bit elusive, even though I am intending to have them! They are something I hadn't really worked on before... And I'm telling you, it was really difficult to find my direction in life when I didn't even have a destination in mind!! This is changing, thank goodness.

Right now I am working things out as I go, asking one question at a time. Recently, I came face to face with the belief that "I can''t feel Secure or Stable unless I own a house and have a place in a community." I hadn't been allowing myself to see that I can be creative and open to life wherever I happened to live. I uncovered (of course) that my own Insecurities were what I needed to face up to. I have been unravelling layers of that and have found that I CAN feel secure in myself! I also have Stability all around me in the form of my marriage, my family, being in a safe country, and having money in the bank, which gives me options. I've learned to accept THAT WHICH I DO HAVE, instead of WHAT I DON'T. Nothing wrong with wanting a house, but I now want a house for its own sake, not to get it to solve my self-esteem issues!

I was speaking to an elderly neighbor today and realized that I am living a life that won't make sense to a lot of people. We were talking about how people aren't living lives that make sense these days. Well,l I am on a quest to understand and love myself, while working out how the energy, power, and love of the Universe/God works in me and through me! That is a big thing to tell someone when they ask "what do you do?" Well, I didn't tell her THAT, of course, but I did tell her that my family might be moving to France this summer to take ourselves out of the rat race and spend time doing things that matter to us. She seemed defensive about that, telling me that she believed that earning money for the future, having a home, and being part of a community were what mattered. She'd lived in our village all her life and was proud of that. Her attitude wasn't directed at me, per se, but it reflected what I have been de-bunking in my own life! WHY do I have to live a life like everyone else? So they can feel comfortable??? Why do I need to fall in line with what a community, a work force, or a housing market asks of me??? So I don't rock the boat???

Well, dear friends, I am reminded of many stories throughout history about people who ROCKED THEIR BOATS and ended up changing history (er, the people who founded and settled the U.S.A. for one). Being uncomfortable about the reactions we may get during our Challenge is natural. Expect to feel discomfort, expect to feel CHALLENGED!

This was important for me to discover and accept, as we are part of something that could change the direction of humanity as we know it. THAT ain't small stuff! So, if you are reading this and applying the Law of Attraction in your life, take heart, you aren't alone in the ups and downs of this process. It is, after all, a very radical way of thinking and being! Although the ideas found in The Secret have been around for aeons, they have been underground until now. Those of us who are ready to learn and apply those "Secrets" are connecting for support, putting our ideas and intentions out there, and learning the process as we go. Heck, we are CREATING the process!!! Or should I say "Co-Creating???"

Love to all!!! CK

I've been on quite a ride with what I've uncovered this week, it has left me with lots to ponder, & write about. I have uncovered several fears (that annoying "F" word!) and can now see that these fears have even affected my marriage. I have been afraid to be ME, plain and simple, probably have for years. I'm reading (re-reading) Dan Millman's book "The Life you Were Born to Live" and I'm getting some answers there. If you don't know of him he's the Peaceful Warrior guy: www.danmillman.com. He is going to be in the UK next month so I may go hear him speak!

Anyway, the CCOR group on YouTube (link) has supported me in a way that I never expected, at all. I've gotten such amazing feedback and some amazing comments about what I'm doing. Sometimes people say that I'm POWERFUL and INSPIRING (my Vision Board has a few of these statements on there, so I'm not surprised that I drew that stuff really...), but it has given me crazy feelings, overwhelming ones sometimes, and has left me a bit uncomfortble sometimes...

I have been working on "WHY" I feel strange about that, and have discovered that I was not giving myself permission to walk in the power of who I am...

Now that I am doing the 100 Day Challenge I feel like I have woken up to MY possibilities, not just the possibilities that can come my way (though those are really the same thing, in a wacky, quantum, We-Are-The-World sort of way). I somehow "know" I am powerful and yet have been running from that notion.

One of my all-time favourite quotes is this one by Marianne Williamson (from Return to Love):

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that's within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we automatically give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

To me, this sums up my Co-Creating Our Reality experience so far!!!

I love the book Return to Love and I always have a out-of-body sensation when reading that bit. Anyway, I journalled a lot about the fear of "accepting the feelings of others" and what surfaced was this: I am afraid of my own feelings, insticnts, and power. It is also hard for me to allow myself to affect people without feeling responsible for their feelings.

I have often said to my husband, "I can't be responsible for your feelings!" ... But the other day it really hit me: there is a huge connection to my fears and what I say to him! I didn't want to be responsible for ANYONE'S feelings, or their reactions to me. Good or Bad ones!! I haven't known how to accept that I affect other people without then feeling responsible for them or worried about their reactions to me (read that: insecurity)!

I was rejected as a child for being myself and expressing myself (weren't we all?). For me it was the fact that I was the smart girl at school and because I was ahead of other kids I got bullied, ridiculed, and often ignored. My parents both let go of their responsiblities to me when i was young, too. My father stopped being around both physically and financially, and my mother stopped being there emotionally. I was about 8 when they divorced and I felt that I suddenly didn't matter. That feeling has stuck around, just letting go of it now. Wow...

As a result, no one represented for me how to be responsible for the well-being of others OR MYSELF. I missed the lesson that I affect others, and how to do that in a loving and caring, yet self-full way. I now know that these are feelings that I allowed to stay with me, and I coped by blaming others for "making me feel" those crappy feelings...

I now accept that I can let that all go and I can become stronger every day!

During this "letting go" session, I remembered what Oprah says, "Beyond your deepest pain lies your greatest purpose" (or something like that!). My deepest fear WAS to express the TRUE ME, so my greatest purpose now IS to assist others in allowing their own TRUTHS to come to light.

So now, I am allowing myself to be who I am and share my light, care for others, and also to set boundaries so I don't absorb too much energy from others. I know that what I have to contribute matters. I also know that if my style of expression isn't right for someone, that is okay by me.

I Matter. I am Me. I am worthy of self-expression!

Scary stuff to realize, but freedom is mine!!! What did that Jesus dude say? The Truth will set you free!!!??? He was so right. ;-).

Better go, I've got some major life changes to sort out (I'll update here soon)...

There is so much connection in the world to be had and here is just a little piece of proof...
I posted some videos onto YouTube this week which
were quite open, honest, and a bit raw for me. After posting them I felt exposed, vulnerable, and
unsure of myself.
I am in the process of learning to speak my Truth and speak it well.

Sometimes I find myself caught up in doubts about that, wondering if my truth isn't just coming out as gobbledygook! I am striving for clarity and to feel sure that my pure intentions are being put out there...

Well, this afternoon I was reading some of the comments on my newer YouTube videos (left by several of the great people who are Co-Creating with me in the 100 Day Challenge), and I got a Video Response from one of them: a lovely person whose moniker is SimplyFeel (Tara) and the video is about affirming one's own power and she dedicated it to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLO-4pfWFM0

As if that isn't wonderful on its own (because it is so touching and made me feel ultra- connected in its own right), but the background photo is that of a Lily. Oh, and by the way, it is not the Lily that is shown here on my Blog, as the photo here is a photo of a Lily from my own kitchen that I took this morning!!! (again, I only saw the Tara's video with the Lily later on...)

What this says to me is that YES, we are all "Living in the Presence," we are all a part of the "Source Energy," or whatever one chooses to call the Universal field of energy and love. We are all connected and can live in that connection if we so choose. I am amazed every day at these small miracles and am declaring that I will accept and speak the affirmations that Tara has shared:

My Power is a Power of Spirit.
For I know
That it is the Power of the Great Source Within Me.
My Power shall help Me Accomplish and Prosper
and shall
Do Good Unto All who Call Upon Me.
My Power is a Tower of Strength
and cannot be denied.
It is Complete and Perfect Here and Now.
My Power is a Power of Spirit.
I Embrace My Power.

SELF-ESTEEM VS. SELF-ISH-NESS...

I've been considering what all the fuss is about, why some people don't like others talking about who they are, what they want, who they want to become, what they like, what motivates them, etc. For instance, it is okay to Esteem ones self, but if you are Important to yourSelf-that is a negative! Why??? Many quotes, thoughts, and ideas have been surfacing as a result!

Iyanla VanZant once said that being Full of Yourself isn't being selfish, it means you are being "Self-Full." I have often thought of this when I've wondered if I'm being too self-absorbed... Then I remind myself that I am the only one who can fulfill (or read that Full-Fill) myself, so I have got to be about the business of filling myself up (and that means to full or brimming over!). Too often we search for something external to do that, a relationship, a job, kids, material things, whatever. It doesn't usually work (er, look at Britney Spears, she's tried all of those things, too).

So today I have been mulling over some of the words that have similar connotations, and curiously enough, many of them look to me as if they should have POSITIVE meanings, yet we have defined them as NEGATIVES.

Some such words are:

Self-Important - Why not be important to myself? If I don't think I'm important, or place enough importance on myself, who will do it? In other words, if I reflect "I'm not very important" to the rest of the world, they will treat me accordingly (has happened to me, it's not fun)!

Self-Centered - Why wouldn't I want myself to feel centered, or center myself in the world of my making? I don't mean that I should be the focal point of my life, at the expense of everything else... However, I learned after having my son that I need to take care of myself first, or there won't be much leftover for him. I used to be a flight-attendant and we had to do those "Flight Safety Demos" where we talk about the Oxygen masks, etc. Well, we taught that if the Oxygen masks dropped down, anyone caring for someone else should PUT ON THEIR OWN MASK FIRST! I have got to prioritize myself first, fill myself up with Oxygen (life-giving sources), or I won't be able to care for anyone else in my family, let alone in the world!

Self-Serving - I fully intend to be of service to, or use to the world, I ask daily to "let me serve." Though I must be of use to myself first or I won't end up feeling very useful to anyone else. It's as if I must practice on myself first, exercising the Serving muscles! Another thing: we use the term "Self-Serve" when we get gasoline/petrol for our cars, or when going to a buffet restaurant, and in those cases it's perfectly acceptable to be Self-Serving. Those are both ways to "fuel ourselves up," incidentally, so I should be allowed to Self-Serve in ways that are Spiritual and/or Emotional, too, shouldn't I???

Self-Seeking - Another "negative" adjective, which insinuates that we are only seeking our own interests. But somehow it makes us feel that seeking our interests at all is wrong. The term isn't "Self-Seeking-Only" but the connotation sends out such a "don't you dare seek yourself" vibe! And anyway, seeking-myself is the only way to get to Self-Discovery, and that seems to be okay with people. Oh, I'm so confused...

Self-Involved - To understand someone you must get involved with them at least a little bit. When we are dating someone we often say "We are Involved..." A lot of people these days don't seem to "know themselves," and to be un-involved with ones self seems to be telling the world "Why would you want to spend time with this person?" I must take interest in myself, or again, I am sending signals that nobody else should find me valuable.

NOW, I understand that the dictionary meanings have been laid down for aeons, and that people are only echoing what they have learned these words to mean. My issue with these words is that without good ol' Webster bestowing definitions upon us, they could actually be seen as healthy, positive terms! The basic words themselves have no negative connotations, rather society has decided that they are words that depict flaws...

The last word I wanted to pick on today is this one:

Self-ish - Now this term is usually not positive, of course, but it's a funny term! Think about it: adding "ish" to any word these days changes its energy, making it seem a wishy-washy term. i.e. Happy-ish, Okay-ish, Pretty-ish, so the word SELF-ISH is like saying "I'm wishy-washy about mySELF.")

Well, I am learning that words not only mean something different to different people, but that the way we use "Self-Talk" can be powerful, or can leave us feeling guilty that we are empowering ourselves. I'm not allowing guilt to be part of my story anymore, so make more room for Self-isms, I say!

MANIFESTING BULLIES...

Well, I have had a realization this week. It's not nice, but I think you might see how I got there.
I have been manifesting bullies into my reality.

Yuck.

This is how it started: My son's preschool is connected to a primary (infant) school. I walk past the playground while taking him there while the schoolkids are outside for recess. I witnessed some bullying one day, noticed that the teachers were standing around chatting, not watching the children, and it made me mad. I made a mental note that my son wouldn't be going there. Since then I have witnessed at least 3 more incidents of bullying, teacher's ignoring, etc. Once I even went up to the fence and told the bully-boys that they weren't being very nice.

Last weekend we were at the mall and we sat down at a little cafe table to have a snack. We were sort of near the doors and two girls came in, sat down next to us and started smoking. They were probably about 15. Since it was a non-smoking mall I asked them if they could please take it outside, we were trying to eat and there were several small kids right nearby. The girls just stared at me, looked terribly offended and told me to "CHILL OUT!" The funny thing was that I was being really calm, just pointing out the facts to them. I told them that I was being calm, that they were the rude ones. They went and stood with some other teenagers, pointed at us, threw straws at us, and then left. I have to say that I got really irate, and a little bit nervous. It was the same sheepish feeling that I had when I was younger, in the face of my childhood bullies.

Now forward to this week: I've had several rude, sarcastic, even vicious comments on my YouTube videos, mainly the ones pertaining to the backlash against The Secret (also whenever i've left comments for others, intending to be supportive). I began to get leery of checking my comments each day, and got very upset by one particular poster. I had to do some self-hypnosis to calm down, and later told my husband that there were BULLIES on YouTube. I've since taken steps to eliminate the non-constructive messages, and I've let go of worrying about the people who were doing it.

BUT, it dawned on me today that I've been drawing these negative souls and circumstances merely by giving it attention. I have to be honest and say that I do "look for bullies" when I go past the school now, and that will have to change. It will take a conscious effort for me, I will look for some really beautiful, kind child instead, and smile at them.

Any other suggestions, please leave me comments!
Ciao for now!
CK

MY FLIPPIN' GOALS!

I am grumpy at my goals, I've been cursing at them for taunting me ! I am not happy with the goals, and I don't think that they are happy with me, even though I created them with the best intentions (i.e., they were my best guess at what I wanted).

I am intending to flip them on their wee little heads, shock them into doing that "particle collapse" thing (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHKQWU0PTjw).

Where do i start??? Some of my goals aren't even what I want now! I didn't know that before today. So I will tackle the two that are giving me the most unclear feelings:

1. I no longer feel that I want to write something to be published, at least not at this point in my life. I just wanted to be WRITING, as it is a tool that I can use to get stuff across, to just "emote," and to share with others. But "being a published writer," just doesn't feel like who I am in this present state of being. I am physcially expressive, vocally communicative, and acting/public speaking/teaching are the mediums that feels the best to me to use....
AND... I DID have this epiphany about 2 weeks ago (if you didn't know): I found an article in Oprah magazine about a woman who is using Improvisation to help people to expand who they are and find their voices...and thought, "I want to do that! THAT IS SO ME!!!!"
BUT...I haven't done any acting for a few years, have no major degrees (B.A. in Acting only), and feel that my credentials are too poor to say that I am an "expert" in Improv, or to declare that I am qualified to teach it. Sigh...
FLIPPIN' HECK! How am I going to manifest anything feeling this way??? I am thinking about it, and it feels so good to visualize myself doing it, but it is the BELIEF part that I am now stuck on. So I am taking some ACTION to motivate my feelings: I've been looking for an Improvisation course or workshop to take, so my "muscles" get back into the acting vibe.
AND today I bought 2 books on Amazon about Improvisation. I hadn't thought of that before, and while looking for another book (The Law of Attraction by E. Hicks) I had the idea to look for books in that genre. Cool!

2. The "Home" I desire... This is the other toughy. I have got so many conflicting feelings about this that my head is spinning. We have moved 3 times in 2 years and I have regretted it each time. We are renting, as my husband has taken short-term job contracts and we are unable to commit to buying a house. This has been hard for me, as we owned our own house for 5 years and made it a home (and I miss that). I was bored and depressed after having my son and we thought that moving would do us some good. It didn't . I now know that I had to change internally before a move would make me any more settled.
SO, the issue now is that I haven't wanted to allow myself to enjoy living in any of the houses or towns I've been in, as I've been looking for some "perfect" place to move to and raise our son. Difficult, as we can really only look to buy where there are potential jobs for dear Hubby. This has given me migraine headaches for 2 years!!!

OOOH OOOH, I just got something! Because I've been looking for the "right place" for us to live for 2+ years and I've made wrong decisions about them (or deemed them wrong), I am mistrusting my own judgement!!! I equate making a move with making another wrong decision, therefore I am paralyzing myself: I want to move, but I don't want to move! Now what to do about that? I am going to wait for the Universe to give me another answer...(I'm waiting...still waiting...I think I'll go eat dinner now...).

WOW!!! Just got this in my Inbox: http://www.scienceofgettingrich.net/action.pdf

I am reading it now, it is about the problem of DOING too much towards our goals. A quote: "Most of our actions are out of fear,worry, or doubt."

Enough said! I think I will be re-evalutating my current actions...

And just had a conversation with my DH which was self-revealing. I ended up saying that the main reason that I don't want to get involved where I am living is because I don't want to end up seeming like a "flake" to those who I get to know. In other words, if I join groups, make friends, la la la, only to leave in a few months time, I reckon that I will be seen as some sort of transient, or will-o-the-wisp; just some sort of illusory, rootless, flake-o.

So that's it for tonight, need to read and journal and meditate on what is coming up.
Love to all, CK

BEING FULLY PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR!

I first thought of doing a video blog about this (at YouTube, do a search for Clarion13 to see my previous ones), but while meditating this morning it seemed that it would be better to write it here.

I made a realization the other day about "being grateful for where I am now." I have been working on becoming grateful for where I've been the past year, both spiritually and physically. Somehow spiritual acceptance is easier than having gratitude for the physical things. I had a hard time being grateful for our last rental house, for instance (too many reasons to go into).

The things that became clear to me over the past few days are:

1. Being grateful for my current body means not only taking care of it, but taking care of what I wear on it. I have gotten rid of a huge amount of clothes lately, things that I have hung onto just because they fit, new things that I just don't like, etc. So I've pared it down to the things I LOVE to wear right now (making room for a few new things), which allows me to properly SEE the things I do love (they are no longer clogged together with things that give me less pleasure).
I did some IRONING the other day, too, which I normally don't bother with, but it gave me a sense of taking better care of me. I don't want to look, or feel "rumpled," even when I'm just hanging out at home. I had some trousers that I haven't worn in ages, just because they were too wrinkly! I won't go as far as to iron my undies though, some people are just too obsessive about their ironing!

AND I am going to allow myself to buy some new clothes, even though I am losing weight (4 pounds so far!). I was at a mall last weekend, ignoring the clothes shops, telling myself that I'll wait to buy when I'm thinner. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!?! Well, when I got home I reconsidered and decided that giving myself a new outfit at this weight will reinforce the love I am creating for the whole of me, cellulite and all.

2. Creating the home I love means starting where I am now. Well, as we are renting (3rd house in 2 years), this won't be the house that I choose to make into my dream home. We have known that it will be temporary since we moved in. Suffice it to say, it FEELS temporary and I have ignored the decorating (bare walls), organizing, and even the cleaning a bit. While shopping this weekend I found some new bath accessories that I though "hey, these would look great in our bathroom." I then went through a tug-of-war, trying to convince my oh-so-rational side that it would do me some good to have bath rugs that matched our current bathroom! Crazy, huh? Well, the new energy won out, we got a couple of things that are just perfect in there and make it feel like "MY bathroom."

I realized that the problem has been in thinking that if I made myself at home here that I will somehow get STUCK here. But now I am feeling that the opposite is true!!! If I can be at home, wherever I am, in efffect BEING GRATEFUL for the walls in which I live, then that energy will return to me in abundance.

We had a lot of issues in our last home, though it was bigger, had a lovely garden, etc. I wasn't able to allow myself to enjoy it, and I manifested a lot of headaches (physical and emotional!).

SO, I'm on my way to being more me, to living and loving the moment, not worrying about how the new body, or our next home are going to manifest. I just KNOW that they will.

Just mulling over some of the mini-manifestations that have been happening in my life the past week, and wanted to put them into cyber-space...

Someone in our Challenge group said that the little things that manifest are great because they let us know that we are on the right track! Road signs don't have to be big to be helpful, eh?

Last week I managed to book a holiday apartment that met every single one of my requirements (its about time!) and the strange thing was that it gave me the feeling of being in my grandparent's old beach house, as it was a tranquil, classy place, too, though different in many ways. When we met the owners, they told us that they have just bought a holiday rental in Italy as well. I just "knew" that they would say that it is in Lake Como--and I was right! It is actually in the small town that Shaun and I spent a week visiting in 2002, Varenna (they even knew the hotel we stayed in). I thought "geez, small world," but I also believe that this is a wee reminder of how energies can meet up and do a little synchronicity dance! The neat thing is that I got the feeling (after being there) that one day I will own vacation homes in the places I love, too.

Other little items:
1. I decided last week that I needed to find a good CD to meditate to and I found one at the Aquarium we went to on Sunday! I really love it, and I just happen to have heard it while standing in the queue to pay for some of my son's trinkets.

2. Figuring out that I have a"food sensitivity" last week meant a lot to me, as I had decided to LOVE my body no matter what, and that very day I had some REAL answers about what has been bothering me!

3. Finding the article in the "O" magazine that talked about "Improvization for the Spirit," which got me completly excited, inspired, and "juiced," as my new web-friend Lilou says! I now have the idea to run Improv workshops for people who want to find their inner voice ;-D

4. Being able to quickly find a photo and a bit of paper pertaining to my airline days that I wanted to use in a Vlog was pretty dang cool...

AND

5. Finding a bit of paper alongside that other bit of paper...which was a glowing evaluation from an Improvization coach (during a course I took in Seattle).
Now THAT is SYNCHRONICITY!!!

The Universe is no doubt telling me stuff, and will continue to do so! I just have to remember to listen.

Love and Light,
CJK

GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION...

To be me!!!
I had an epiphany this weekend, while spending time at a seaside resort in Devon, UK. It wasn't anything that I didn't already know, and nothing exactly CHANGED, rather something inside of me solidified. I have needed to allow myself to "deserve" things... There has been an underlying idea in my life that I don't somehow DESERVE good things to come to me. From a young age I have allowed myself to beleive that I don't have the permission to ask for what I really want, or in other words, to be who I really am!

There was a theme of victimhood and a poverty mentality taught to me by my parents. Just some of those teachings were that: nothing could be achieved without a struggle, rich people were jerks, deserving people usually went without, etc! One key event which seems to be the symbol for my lack of self-worth is this:
When I was about 6 I fell in love with a bicycle at the local hardware store. It was a pretty, perky little girls bike in a gorgeous shade of orange. There was a hummingbird on each side of the chain protector and the word "Hummingbird" somewhere on there, too. I think I can even remember how the bike smelled if I linger on the memory long enough. I often went to "visit" the bike, rode it up and down the aisles, and spent time picking out the perfect accessories forit. One day my Dad decided that we would buy it! Oh childhood bliss! We went to the shop and I got the bike and rode it up to the checkout counter. I was overjoyed and felt so full of life and full of myself. While waiting for my Dad to pay for it my Mom came in to see what we were doing (she had been waiting in the car) and was not at all happy when she discovered the bike in my hands. She told my Dad that he had "no right to buy it for me," that we couldn't afford it, and she shouted at him in front of the other customers which was horrible, to say the least. Was I upset? What do you think? I had to be torn away from the glorious bike, the pain of it was impressed into the core of me, and remained for years to remind me that I didn't have "the right" to want what I wanted. I got a used, green bike that summer, which was a boys bike with a black seat and handle bars. The body was eventually painted blue, to make it more cheery, but every time I looked at it all I could see was a bruise.

The lasting vibration was that of humiliation, of feeling poor, of being lied to, of told that I "don't deserve..." No doubt there were many other moments that confirmed those ideas, some of which I remember, some I don't. My parents split up when I was 8 and we often "did without," sometimes just on principle! I grew up buying things that were second-hand, telling myself that they were good enough for me (and often they were but that's not the point here). I also never quite had enough money to get the things I wanted as an adult, or going into debt for them, as if owning them required the punishment of being chronically hassled by bill collection services!

There are so many other aspects to my "having no right" syndrome: not allowing myself to have the career I'd really like, not enjoying the marriage that I should be joyful about, not feeling good in the body I'm in, not even being able to get requests out of my mouth without worrying that I will be asking too much of the Universe! AND THE UNIVERSE??? The Universe is an abundant genie, a loving, generous God/Godess, an ever-renewing source of life and plenty. And I've denied myself of that source too long.

So now begins the era of giving myself permission, of speaking my truth, of HAVING THE RIGHT to be right, or wrong, but to just be who I am without compromise. And if anyone out there has a little orange Hummingbird bike I'd still like to have one.
;-)

LIMITLESS, OR LIMITATIONS?

That is the question! A lot of people would say that "Fear creates limitation," and they are probably right. Myself, I've had a FEAR OF LIMITATIONS most of my life, which manifested in a chronic state of indecision for me (stagnant pond feeling, yuck!). Up until recently, my future plans had been paralyzed for a year or two, as I'd been unable to choose what path I wanted my life to take. I'd been in a physical state of intertia, even though I had been growing spiritual and intellecutally.

Basically, I had been afraid that choosing a direction or focusing my efforts would then restrict me from doing other things that I enjoy. Strangely, I had even said that I felt crippled by the fact that I have had too many choices in my life! That made me feel pathetically self-indulgent, like a woman who has too many clothes to choose from so refuses to get dressed! So my intention lately has been to unravel what was going on with this fear, and set my life flowing in a specific direction.

Because of this lack of direction, I'd only been making things worse, by not using my gifts and talents! It snowballed into a lack of inspiration, lack of energy, and then lack of caring about anything (= depression). Underneath it all could be fear of failure, I suppose. For instance, if I chose the "wrong thing," then got stuck in the consequences, I'd feel I had no control. I've learned that a sense of control is a very important thing for us humans, so perhaps being indecisive meant that I was in control! Or was it perhaps the fear of choosing the "Right Thing???" Suddenly going down the "right" path could lead to disappointment!!! Well, I do over-analyze things... I also don't function very well without boundaries (such as when having a paying job or having coursework dealines). Additionally, ADD runs in my family, but I refuse to paint myself with that brush, its just a label after all, not an answer.

The great thing is this: I've been studying the Mind/Body/Spirit connection for a few years now and have discovered many amazing things! It has created a slow-burning fire inside of me, which has been gaining momentum the past several months, and has now manifested in my participation in an on-line challenge group (www.cocreatingourreality.com). My energy is really starting to flow in a focused direction as a result of my understanding of thought, feeling, energy connection (see The Secret!). I am finally understanding how to set goals and intentions, so I no longer feel mired down in the despair of indecision. I have altered my belief that too many choices has made me crazy, and am open to the possibilities of having anything and everything that I choose!!!

Last, I am not afraid of the fear anymore, knowing that making a choice and moving forward will have its own rewards, never mind the risks, it is all part of the journey that I am starting to embrace.

Love and Light! CJ

DREAMING OF OPRAH...

More precisely this is about the dream of being in the audience for an Oprah show taping, or better yet, to be one of her guests! I believe more every day in the Power of Attraction, and that if I set my intentions and fuel them with feelings and actions that I will see things manifest into my life that I could only dream about before! That is what The Secret is all about and there are a vast number of other teachers and writers that have been tapping into this wisdom, too.

I've been a fan of Oprah Winfrey's for as long as she's been on national TV. I watched her as a teenager because I was full of angst and thought that if I could see myself mirrored in the lives of her guests then maybe I could sort myself out. In my 20's I was wondering what it took to be a modern woman and was trying to "find myself" along with Oprah, her guests, and all of her followers. Sometimes I found an answer or two, but usually I found that I ended up with more questions, and more heartaches...

Fast Forward to my 30's, during which I've been untangling myself from all of the, psycho-babble, 'cause-I'm-a-woman-feminism, religiosity, inner-child seeking, and parent-blaming that the "experts" brought to our consciousness. Thankfully, I finally began to hear the still, small voice inside of me that just KNEW when something was true or not. Lately I've been discovering ways to hear that voice more clearly. In fact, the less of the world's noise that I acknowledge, the more vibes I sense coming from inside of me. They are like sound waves, that have been trapped inside, silent at first, then raising the volume until someone could hear them.

So something has now shifted! Everyone is talking about The Law of Attraction, and even Oprah is singing the praises of The Secret and reminding us all that she has used this knowledge herself for ages. She is priceless, leading the way, showing us all how to be, not like her, but to be ourselves. THANK YOU O, I can't wait to meet you... ;-).

YOU SAY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! DA-NA-NA-NA-NUH!!! ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO!!!

Well, just being a bit self-gratuitious here, sorry! I'm having a chilled-out birthday, and its a good week, energy flowing, nothing exciting, just subtle things starting to shift.
I am starting to become more clear about what my Vison might be.

So What is my Passion and Purpose?????

My Passions: I LOVE Speaking, Writing, Reading, Teaching, Acting, Organizing, Being Friendly and Open to Others, Exposing the Beauty in Things, Learning from Others, Analyzing myself and Others, Spending Time in Nature, Making Things with My Hands.

My Purposes: To Share What I Know with Others, to Express Myself through Acting, Teaching, and Writing

Issues I am Passionate About: Childhood, Metaphysics (as opposed to religion), Helping those who are Stuck in their lives (through divorce, addictions, low self-esteem, etc.), Simplifying the Way We Live Life.

THANKS to Lilou Mace of www.myjuicylife.com for her inspirational videos! I got a lot of insight from her guest Kevin Ross which is helping me to define my goals! I will be refining them more as I go on, but it feels wonderful to have made a start.

THANKS also to Marion from YouTube, who shared the wisdom about "Starting with what you already have that belongs to the Life of Your Dreams."

I see now that the things that come ABSOLUTELY NATURALLY to me are what I need to use to start creating the Life I desire. Even the fact that I just "love to talk" is something that has been part of me from a very young age. All of the other things on my list are things that definitely come naturally to me, too. It is those "gifts" that will give out the most energy, as there is no struggle involved in doing them. Everything always goes back to the flow of energy, its really amazing...

I've renewed my passion for blogging, feeling more connected to the bigger picture these days (must be because spring is just around the corner, though you wouldn't know it today because it is snowing!!). We had to move house just before Xmas, so we've had a lot of packing/unpacking, and I've still NOT hung all of our pictures up... Sigh...

I have a great sense that we will only live here a short time, but that this is the place where I will be organizing myself, my belongings (getting rid of a lot of junk), and my thoughts/ideas. This house is a number "4" which in Numerology is about:

	concentration
	management
	application
	conservation
	dedication
	efficiency
	organization
	follow-through

This house is also quite small, so there is no room for being lazy, frivolous, sloppy, or keeping things that don't resonate perfectly with who we are right now. Our last house was larger, had much more space to keep things and spread out. I liked having the space, but all it did for me was create a place to foster my attitude of INDECISION.

Did you know that INDECISION IS THE NUMBER ONE THING that creates CLUTTER in our lives??? I'm talking about all kinds of clutter here: Emotional, Mental, and the Clutter of Belongings.

The physical clutter of our lives boils down to that ONE THING: "Decisions." We avoid clearing the clutter in our homes/cars/offices, etc. because we don't want to make DECISIONS! Everything you touch has decisions attatched to it: Where does it really belong? Do I love this? Do I need this? Etc.! This is why organizing can be so tiring and why so many of us avoid it! IT IS THIS SIMPLE. Try this: decide to organize your handbag or a drawer, start handling the items in it, and you will quickly become aware that the task at hand is actually about making decisions. A-HA!, right???

Moving on from the physical: when we don't consciously "decide" what to THINK, or "decide" what feelings or IDEAS are really ours, we get an accumulation of clutter in our heads and our hearts! This causes all kinds of dismay and disease for us. I KNOW, I've been there.! So ask yourself, are your thoughts outdated? Are they serving you? Have you questioned where they come from? If you make a simple decision to think/not think something you have started to clear the clutter! Then if you challenge the ideas you have about life and make the simple decison to "allow them to change if necessary," you are moving into the flow of ideas and energy, rather than living in a stagnant pond. This doesn't mean that you are being disloyal to yourself, or that you are opening up to things that might lead you astray, you will actually be allowing your truth to come out of hiding. We often can't see ourselves because of all of that mental clutter. ..

I believe that we cannot move forward with life when we are being indecisive because we are not LIVING WITH THE TRUTH OF OURSELVES. When I make a decision to keep something or throw it out (an idea, a thought, a chair, a scarf, etc.), I am making a decision about its value to ME. What am I saying here? That once we decide what it is we value (what it is that truly energizes us, or resonates with the energy that is at the core of who we are) we will be living in TRUTH and FREEDOM. We will be getting CLEAR about who we are and what we desire out of life, and "life" will then know what we require from it. ;-)

How do I know this? A long love affair with ORGANIZING (comibined with an attitude of self-awareness). I have helped myself and many friends/family/employers get more organized, and it is something that comes naturally to me. I don't mean that it is always easy or that I am perfectly organized...just that it is something that is effortless for me when I do it. Desiring to start my own Organizing business, I have challenged myself to come up with core principles for teaching organizing techniques and so arrived at this central idea.

DECISIONS! If you can make some every day, no matter how large or small, you will start to live a whole new life, trust me!

Also, check out this link to a great blog: http://www.cosmicorder.blogspot.com/2006/09/how-to-be-magnetic-attract-your-dream.html

This article is all about how eliminating things from our lives creates a vacuum and helps create intention (similar to what I've said, but adds to this idea).

Clarissa
Xxxx