GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION...

To be me!!!
I had an epiphany this weekend, while spending time at a seaside resort in Devon, UK. It wasn't anything that I didn't already know, and nothing exactly CHANGED, rather something inside of me solidified. I have needed to allow myself to "deserve" things... There has been an underlying idea in my life that I don't somehow DESERVE good things to come to me. From a young age I have allowed myself to beleive that I don't have the permission to ask for what I really want, or in other words, to be who I really am!

There was a theme of victimhood and a poverty mentality taught to me by my parents. Just some of those teachings were that: nothing could be achieved without a struggle, rich people were jerks, deserving people usually went without, etc! One key event which seems to be the symbol for my lack of self-worth is this:
When I was about 6 I fell in love with a bicycle at the local hardware store. It was a pretty, perky little girls bike in a gorgeous shade of orange. There was a hummingbird on each side of the chain protector and the word "Hummingbird" somewhere on there, too. I think I can even remember how the bike smelled if I linger on the memory long enough. I often went to "visit" the bike, rode it up and down the aisles, and spent time picking out the perfect accessories forit. One day my Dad decided that we would buy it! Oh childhood bliss! We went to the shop and I got the bike and rode it up to the checkout counter. I was overjoyed and felt so full of life and full of myself. While waiting for my Dad to pay for it my Mom came in to see what we were doing (she had been waiting in the car) and was not at all happy when she discovered the bike in my hands. She told my Dad that he had "no right to buy it for me," that we couldn't afford it, and she shouted at him in front of the other customers which was horrible, to say the least. Was I upset? What do you think? I had to be torn away from the glorious bike, the pain of it was impressed into the core of me, and remained for years to remind me that I didn't have "the right" to want what I wanted. I got a used, green bike that summer, which was a boys bike with a black seat and handle bars. The body was eventually painted blue, to make it more cheery, but every time I looked at it all I could see was a bruise.

The lasting vibration was that of humiliation, of feeling poor, of being lied to, of told that I "don't deserve..." No doubt there were many other moments that confirmed those ideas, some of which I remember, some I don't. My parents split up when I was 8 and we often "did without," sometimes just on principle! I grew up buying things that were second-hand, telling myself that they were good enough for me (and often they were but that's not the point here). I also never quite had enough money to get the things I wanted as an adult, or going into debt for them, as if owning them required the punishment of being chronically hassled by bill collection services!

There are so many other aspects to my "having no right" syndrome: not allowing myself to have the career I'd really like, not enjoying the marriage that I should be joyful about, not feeling good in the body I'm in, not even being able to get requests out of my mouth without worrying that I will be asking too much of the Universe! AND THE UNIVERSE??? The Universe is an abundant genie, a loving, generous God/Godess, an ever-renewing source of life and plenty. And I've denied myself of that source too long.

So now begins the era of giving myself permission, of speaking my truth, of HAVING THE RIGHT to be right, or wrong, but to just be who I am without compromise. And if anyone out there has a little orange Hummingbird bike I'd still like to have one.
;-)

LIMITLESS, OR LIMITATIONS?

That is the question! A lot of people would say that "Fear creates limitation," and they are probably right. Myself, I've had a FEAR OF LIMITATIONS most of my life, which manifested in a chronic state of indecision for me (stagnant pond feeling, yuck!). Up until recently, my future plans had been paralyzed for a year or two, as I'd been unable to choose what path I wanted my life to take. I'd been in a physical state of intertia, even though I had been growing spiritual and intellecutally.

Basically, I had been afraid that choosing a direction or focusing my efforts would then restrict me from doing other things that I enjoy. Strangely, I had even said that I felt crippled by the fact that I have had too many choices in my life! That made me feel pathetically self-indulgent, like a woman who has too many clothes to choose from so refuses to get dressed! So my intention lately has been to unravel what was going on with this fear, and set my life flowing in a specific direction.

Because of this lack of direction, I'd only been making things worse, by not using my gifts and talents! It snowballed into a lack of inspiration, lack of energy, and then lack of caring about anything (= depression). Underneath it all could be fear of failure, I suppose. For instance, if I chose the "wrong thing," then got stuck in the consequences, I'd feel I had no control. I've learned that a sense of control is a very important thing for us humans, so perhaps being indecisive meant that I was in control! Or was it perhaps the fear of choosing the "Right Thing???" Suddenly going down the "right" path could lead to disappointment!!! Well, I do over-analyze things... I also don't function very well without boundaries (such as when having a paying job or having coursework dealines). Additionally, ADD runs in my family, but I refuse to paint myself with that brush, its just a label after all, not an answer.

The great thing is this: I've been studying the Mind/Body/Spirit connection for a few years now and have discovered many amazing things! It has created a slow-burning fire inside of me, which has been gaining momentum the past several months, and has now manifested in my participation in an on-line challenge group (www.cocreatingourreality.com). My energy is really starting to flow in a focused direction as a result of my understanding of thought, feeling, energy connection (see The Secret!). I am finally understanding how to set goals and intentions, so I no longer feel mired down in the despair of indecision. I have altered my belief that too many choices has made me crazy, and am open to the possibilities of having anything and everything that I choose!!!

Last, I am not afraid of the fear anymore, knowing that making a choice and moving forward will have its own rewards, never mind the risks, it is all part of the journey that I am starting to embrace.

Love and Light! CJ

DREAMING OF OPRAH...

More precisely this is about the dream of being in the audience for an Oprah show taping, or better yet, to be one of her guests! I believe more every day in the Power of Attraction, and that if I set my intentions and fuel them with feelings and actions that I will see things manifest into my life that I could only dream about before! That is what The Secret is all about and there are a vast number of other teachers and writers that have been tapping into this wisdom, too.

I've been a fan of Oprah Winfrey's for as long as she's been on national TV. I watched her as a teenager because I was full of angst and thought that if I could see myself mirrored in the lives of her guests then maybe I could sort myself out. In my 20's I was wondering what it took to be a modern woman and was trying to "find myself" along with Oprah, her guests, and all of her followers. Sometimes I found an answer or two, but usually I found that I ended up with more questions, and more heartaches...

Fast Forward to my 30's, during which I've been untangling myself from all of the, psycho-babble, 'cause-I'm-a-woman-feminism, religiosity, inner-child seeking, and parent-blaming that the "experts" brought to our consciousness. Thankfully, I finally began to hear the still, small voice inside of me that just KNEW when something was true or not. Lately I've been discovering ways to hear that voice more clearly. In fact, the less of the world's noise that I acknowledge, the more vibes I sense coming from inside of me. They are like sound waves, that have been trapped inside, silent at first, then raising the volume until someone could hear them.

So something has now shifted! Everyone is talking about The Law of Attraction, and even Oprah is singing the praises of The Secret and reminding us all that she has used this knowledge herself for ages. She is priceless, leading the way, showing us all how to be, not like her, but to be ourselves. THANK YOU O, I can't wait to meet you... ;-).

YOU SAY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! DA-NA-NA-NA-NUH!!! ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO!!!

Well, just being a bit self-gratuitious here, sorry! I'm having a chilled-out birthday, and its a good week, energy flowing, nothing exciting, just subtle things starting to shift.
I am starting to become more clear about what my Vison might be.

So What is my Passion and Purpose?????

My Passions: I LOVE Speaking, Writing, Reading, Teaching, Acting, Organizing, Being Friendly and Open to Others, Exposing the Beauty in Things, Learning from Others, Analyzing myself and Others, Spending Time in Nature, Making Things with My Hands.

My Purposes: To Share What I Know with Others, to Express Myself through Acting, Teaching, and Writing

Issues I am Passionate About: Childhood, Metaphysics (as opposed to religion), Helping those who are Stuck in their lives (through divorce, addictions, low self-esteem, etc.), Simplifying the Way We Live Life.

THANKS to Lilou Mace of www.myjuicylife.com for her inspirational videos! I got a lot of insight from her guest Kevin Ross which is helping me to define my goals! I will be refining them more as I go on, but it feels wonderful to have made a start.

THANKS also to Marion from YouTube, who shared the wisdom about "Starting with what you already have that belongs to the Life of Your Dreams."

I see now that the things that come ABSOLUTELY NATURALLY to me are what I need to use to start creating the Life I desire. Even the fact that I just "love to talk" is something that has been part of me from a very young age. All of the other things on my list are things that definitely come naturally to me, too. It is those "gifts" that will give out the most energy, as there is no struggle involved in doing them. Everything always goes back to the flow of energy, its really amazing...

I've renewed my passion for blogging, feeling more connected to the bigger picture these days (must be because spring is just around the corner, though you wouldn't know it today because it is snowing!!). We had to move house just before Xmas, so we've had a lot of packing/unpacking, and I've still NOT hung all of our pictures up... Sigh...

I have a great sense that we will only live here a short time, but that this is the place where I will be organizing myself, my belongings (getting rid of a lot of junk), and my thoughts/ideas. This house is a number "4" which in Numerology is about:

	concentration
	management
	application
	conservation
	dedication
	efficiency
	organization
	follow-through

This house is also quite small, so there is no room for being lazy, frivolous, sloppy, or keeping things that don't resonate perfectly with who we are right now. Our last house was larger, had much more space to keep things and spread out. I liked having the space, but all it did for me was create a place to foster my attitude of INDECISION.

Did you know that INDECISION IS THE NUMBER ONE THING that creates CLUTTER in our lives??? I'm talking about all kinds of clutter here: Emotional, Mental, and the Clutter of Belongings.

The physical clutter of our lives boils down to that ONE THING: "Decisions." We avoid clearing the clutter in our homes/cars/offices, etc. because we don't want to make DECISIONS! Everything you touch has decisions attatched to it: Where does it really belong? Do I love this? Do I need this? Etc.! This is why organizing can be so tiring and why so many of us avoid it! IT IS THIS SIMPLE. Try this: decide to organize your handbag or a drawer, start handling the items in it, and you will quickly become aware that the task at hand is actually about making decisions. A-HA!, right???

Moving on from the physical: when we don't consciously "decide" what to THINK, or "decide" what feelings or IDEAS are really ours, we get an accumulation of clutter in our heads and our hearts! This causes all kinds of dismay and disease for us. I KNOW, I've been there.! So ask yourself, are your thoughts outdated? Are they serving you? Have you questioned where they come from? If you make a simple decision to think/not think something you have started to clear the clutter! Then if you challenge the ideas you have about life and make the simple decison to "allow them to change if necessary," you are moving into the flow of ideas and energy, rather than living in a stagnant pond. This doesn't mean that you are being disloyal to yourself, or that you are opening up to things that might lead you astray, you will actually be allowing your truth to come out of hiding. We often can't see ourselves because of all of that mental clutter. ..

I believe that we cannot move forward with life when we are being indecisive because we are not LIVING WITH THE TRUTH OF OURSELVES. When I make a decision to keep something or throw it out (an idea, a thought, a chair, a scarf, etc.), I am making a decision about its value to ME. What am I saying here? That once we decide what it is we value (what it is that truly energizes us, or resonates with the energy that is at the core of who we are) we will be living in TRUTH and FREEDOM. We will be getting CLEAR about who we are and what we desire out of life, and "life" will then know what we require from it. ;-)

How do I know this? A long love affair with ORGANIZING (comibined with an attitude of self-awareness). I have helped myself and many friends/family/employers get more organized, and it is something that comes naturally to me. I don't mean that it is always easy or that I am perfectly organized...just that it is something that is effortless for me when I do it. Desiring to start my own Organizing business, I have challenged myself to come up with core principles for teaching organizing techniques and so arrived at this central idea.

DECISIONS! If you can make some every day, no matter how large or small, you will start to live a whole new life, trust me!

Also, check out this link to a great blog: http://www.cosmicorder.blogspot.com/2006/09/how-to-be-magnetic-attract-your-dream.html

This article is all about how eliminating things from our lives creates a vacuum and helps create intention (similar to what I've said, but adds to this idea).

Clarissa
Xxxx