GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION...

To be me!!!
I had an epiphany this weekend, while spending time at a seaside resort in Devon, UK. It wasn't anything that I didn't already know, and nothing exactly CHANGED, rather something inside of me solidified. I have needed to allow myself to "deserve" things... There has been an underlying idea in my life that I don't somehow DESERVE good things to come to me. From a young age I have allowed myself to beleive that I don't have the permission to ask for what I really want, or in other words, to be who I really am!

There was a theme of victimhood and a poverty mentality taught to me by my parents. Just some of those teachings were that: nothing could be achieved without a struggle, rich people were jerks, deserving people usually went without, etc! One key event which seems to be the symbol for my lack of self-worth is this:
When I was about 6 I fell in love with a bicycle at the local hardware store. It was a pretty, perky little girls bike in a gorgeous shade of orange. There was a hummingbird on each side of the chain protector and the word "Hummingbird" somewhere on there, too. I think I can even remember how the bike smelled if I linger on the memory long enough. I often went to "visit" the bike, rode it up and down the aisles, and spent time picking out the perfect accessories forit. One day my Dad decided that we would buy it! Oh childhood bliss! We went to the shop and I got the bike and rode it up to the checkout counter. I was overjoyed and felt so full of life and full of myself. While waiting for my Dad to pay for it my Mom came in to see what we were doing (she had been waiting in the car) and was not at all happy when she discovered the bike in my hands. She told my Dad that he had "no right to buy it for me," that we couldn't afford it, and she shouted at him in front of the other customers which was horrible, to say the least. Was I upset? What do you think? I had to be torn away from the glorious bike, the pain of it was impressed into the core of me, and remained for years to remind me that I didn't have "the right" to want what I wanted. I got a used, green bike that summer, which was a boys bike with a black seat and handle bars. The body was eventually painted blue, to make it more cheery, but every time I looked at it all I could see was a bruise.

The lasting vibration was that of humiliation, of feeling poor, of being lied to, of told that I "don't deserve..." No doubt there were many other moments that confirmed those ideas, some of which I remember, some I don't. My parents split up when I was 8 and we often "did without," sometimes just on principle! I grew up buying things that were second-hand, telling myself that they were good enough for me (and often they were but that's not the point here). I also never quite had enough money to get the things I wanted as an adult, or going into debt for them, as if owning them required the punishment of being chronically hassled by bill collection services!

There are so many other aspects to my "having no right" syndrome: not allowing myself to have the career I'd really like, not enjoying the marriage that I should be joyful about, not feeling good in the body I'm in, not even being able to get requests out of my mouth without worrying that I will be asking too much of the Universe! AND THE UNIVERSE??? The Universe is an abundant genie, a loving, generous God/Godess, an ever-renewing source of life and plenty. And I've denied myself of that source too long.

So now begins the era of giving myself permission, of speaking my truth, of HAVING THE RIGHT to be right, or wrong, but to just be who I am without compromise. And if anyone out there has a little orange Hummingbird bike I'd still like to have one.
;-)