There is so much connection in the world to be had and here is just a little piece of proof...
I posted some videos onto YouTube this week which
were quite open, honest, and a bit raw for me. After posting them I felt exposed, vulnerable, and
unsure of myself.
I am in the process of learning to speak my Truth and speak it well.

Sometimes I find myself caught up in doubts about that, wondering if my truth isn't just coming out as gobbledygook! I am striving for clarity and to feel sure that my pure intentions are being put out there...

Well, this afternoon I was reading some of the comments on my newer YouTube videos (left by several of the great people who are Co-Creating with me in the 100 Day Challenge), and I got a Video Response from one of them: a lovely person whose moniker is SimplyFeel (Tara) and the video is about affirming one's own power and she dedicated it to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLO-4pfWFM0

As if that isn't wonderful on its own (because it is so touching and made me feel ultra- connected in its own right), but the background photo is that of a Lily. Oh, and by the way, it is not the Lily that is shown here on my Blog, as the photo here is a photo of a Lily from my own kitchen that I took this morning!!! (again, I only saw the Tara's video with the Lily later on...)

What this says to me is that YES, we are all "Living in the Presence," we are all a part of the "Source Energy," or whatever one chooses to call the Universal field of energy and love. We are all connected and can live in that connection if we so choose. I am amazed every day at these small miracles and am declaring that I will accept and speak the affirmations that Tara has shared:

My Power is a Power of Spirit.
For I know
That it is the Power of the Great Source Within Me.
My Power shall help Me Accomplish and Prosper
and shall
Do Good Unto All who Call Upon Me.
My Power is a Tower of Strength
and cannot be denied.
It is Complete and Perfect Here and Now.
My Power is a Power of Spirit.
I Embrace My Power.

SELF-ESTEEM VS. SELF-ISH-NESS...

I've been considering what all the fuss is about, why some people don't like others talking about who they are, what they want, who they want to become, what they like, what motivates them, etc. For instance, it is okay to Esteem ones self, but if you are Important to yourSelf-that is a negative! Why??? Many quotes, thoughts, and ideas have been surfacing as a result!

Iyanla VanZant once said that being Full of Yourself isn't being selfish, it means you are being "Self-Full." I have often thought of this when I've wondered if I'm being too self-absorbed... Then I remind myself that I am the only one who can fulfill (or read that Full-Fill) myself, so I have got to be about the business of filling myself up (and that means to full or brimming over!). Too often we search for something external to do that, a relationship, a job, kids, material things, whatever. It doesn't usually work (er, look at Britney Spears, she's tried all of those things, too).

So today I have been mulling over some of the words that have similar connotations, and curiously enough, many of them look to me as if they should have POSITIVE meanings, yet we have defined them as NEGATIVES.

Some such words are:

Self-Important - Why not be important to myself? If I don't think I'm important, or place enough importance on myself, who will do it? In other words, if I reflect "I'm not very important" to the rest of the world, they will treat me accordingly (has happened to me, it's not fun)!

Self-Centered - Why wouldn't I want myself to feel centered, or center myself in the world of my making? I don't mean that I should be the focal point of my life, at the expense of everything else... However, I learned after having my son that I need to take care of myself first, or there won't be much leftover for him. I used to be a flight-attendant and we had to do those "Flight Safety Demos" where we talk about the Oxygen masks, etc. Well, we taught that if the Oxygen masks dropped down, anyone caring for someone else should PUT ON THEIR OWN MASK FIRST! I have got to prioritize myself first, fill myself up with Oxygen (life-giving sources), or I won't be able to care for anyone else in my family, let alone in the world!

Self-Serving - I fully intend to be of service to, or use to the world, I ask daily to "let me serve." Though I must be of use to myself first or I won't end up feeling very useful to anyone else. It's as if I must practice on myself first, exercising the Serving muscles! Another thing: we use the term "Self-Serve" when we get gasoline/petrol for our cars, or when going to a buffet restaurant, and in those cases it's perfectly acceptable to be Self-Serving. Those are both ways to "fuel ourselves up," incidentally, so I should be allowed to Self-Serve in ways that are Spiritual and/or Emotional, too, shouldn't I???

Self-Seeking - Another "negative" adjective, which insinuates that we are only seeking our own interests. But somehow it makes us feel that seeking our interests at all is wrong. The term isn't "Self-Seeking-Only" but the connotation sends out such a "don't you dare seek yourself" vibe! And anyway, seeking-myself is the only way to get to Self-Discovery, and that seems to be okay with people. Oh, I'm so confused...

Self-Involved - To understand someone you must get involved with them at least a little bit. When we are dating someone we often say "We are Involved..." A lot of people these days don't seem to "know themselves," and to be un-involved with ones self seems to be telling the world "Why would you want to spend time with this person?" I must take interest in myself, or again, I am sending signals that nobody else should find me valuable.

NOW, I understand that the dictionary meanings have been laid down for aeons, and that people are only echoing what they have learned these words to mean. My issue with these words is that without good ol' Webster bestowing definitions upon us, they could actually be seen as healthy, positive terms! The basic words themselves have no negative connotations, rather society has decided that they are words that depict flaws...

The last word I wanted to pick on today is this one:

Self-ish - Now this term is usually not positive, of course, but it's a funny term! Think about it: adding "ish" to any word these days changes its energy, making it seem a wishy-washy term. i.e. Happy-ish, Okay-ish, Pretty-ish, so the word SELF-ISH is like saying "I'm wishy-washy about mySELF.")

Well, I am learning that words not only mean something different to different people, but that the way we use "Self-Talk" can be powerful, or can leave us feeling guilty that we are empowering ourselves. I'm not allowing guilt to be part of my story anymore, so make more room for Self-isms, I say!

MANIFESTING BULLIES...

Well, I have had a realization this week. It's not nice, but I think you might see how I got there.
I have been manifesting bullies into my reality.

Yuck.

This is how it started: My son's preschool is connected to a primary (infant) school. I walk past the playground while taking him there while the schoolkids are outside for recess. I witnessed some bullying one day, noticed that the teachers were standing around chatting, not watching the children, and it made me mad. I made a mental note that my son wouldn't be going there. Since then I have witnessed at least 3 more incidents of bullying, teacher's ignoring, etc. Once I even went up to the fence and told the bully-boys that they weren't being very nice.

Last weekend we were at the mall and we sat down at a little cafe table to have a snack. We were sort of near the doors and two girls came in, sat down next to us and started smoking. They were probably about 15. Since it was a non-smoking mall I asked them if they could please take it outside, we were trying to eat and there were several small kids right nearby. The girls just stared at me, looked terribly offended and told me to "CHILL OUT!" The funny thing was that I was being really calm, just pointing out the facts to them. I told them that I was being calm, that they were the rude ones. They went and stood with some other teenagers, pointed at us, threw straws at us, and then left. I have to say that I got really irate, and a little bit nervous. It was the same sheepish feeling that I had when I was younger, in the face of my childhood bullies.

Now forward to this week: I've had several rude, sarcastic, even vicious comments on my YouTube videos, mainly the ones pertaining to the backlash against The Secret (also whenever i've left comments for others, intending to be supportive). I began to get leery of checking my comments each day, and got very upset by one particular poster. I had to do some self-hypnosis to calm down, and later told my husband that there were BULLIES on YouTube. I've since taken steps to eliminate the non-constructive messages, and I've let go of worrying about the people who were doing it.

BUT, it dawned on me today that I've been drawing these negative souls and circumstances merely by giving it attention. I have to be honest and say that I do "look for bullies" when I go past the school now, and that will have to change. It will take a conscious effort for me, I will look for some really beautiful, kind child instead, and smile at them.

Any other suggestions, please leave me comments!
Ciao for now!
CK

MY FLIPPIN' GOALS!

I am grumpy at my goals, I've been cursing at them for taunting me ! I am not happy with the goals, and I don't think that they are happy with me, even though I created them with the best intentions (i.e., they were my best guess at what I wanted).

I am intending to flip them on their wee little heads, shock them into doing that "particle collapse" thing (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHKQWU0PTjw).

Where do i start??? Some of my goals aren't even what I want now! I didn't know that before today. So I will tackle the two that are giving me the most unclear feelings:

1. I no longer feel that I want to write something to be published, at least not at this point in my life. I just wanted to be WRITING, as it is a tool that I can use to get stuff across, to just "emote," and to share with others. But "being a published writer," just doesn't feel like who I am in this present state of being. I am physcially expressive, vocally communicative, and acting/public speaking/teaching are the mediums that feels the best to me to use....
AND... I DID have this epiphany about 2 weeks ago (if you didn't know): I found an article in Oprah magazine about a woman who is using Improvisation to help people to expand who they are and find their voices...and thought, "I want to do that! THAT IS SO ME!!!!"
BUT...I haven't done any acting for a few years, have no major degrees (B.A. in Acting only), and feel that my credentials are too poor to say that I am an "expert" in Improv, or to declare that I am qualified to teach it. Sigh...
FLIPPIN' HECK! How am I going to manifest anything feeling this way??? I am thinking about it, and it feels so good to visualize myself doing it, but it is the BELIEF part that I am now stuck on. So I am taking some ACTION to motivate my feelings: I've been looking for an Improvisation course or workshop to take, so my "muscles" get back into the acting vibe.
AND today I bought 2 books on Amazon about Improvisation. I hadn't thought of that before, and while looking for another book (The Law of Attraction by E. Hicks) I had the idea to look for books in that genre. Cool!

2. The "Home" I desire... This is the other toughy. I have got so many conflicting feelings about this that my head is spinning. We have moved 3 times in 2 years and I have regretted it each time. We are renting, as my husband has taken short-term job contracts and we are unable to commit to buying a house. This has been hard for me, as we owned our own house for 5 years and made it a home (and I miss that). I was bored and depressed after having my son and we thought that moving would do us some good. It didn't . I now know that I had to change internally before a move would make me any more settled.
SO, the issue now is that I haven't wanted to allow myself to enjoy living in any of the houses or towns I've been in, as I've been looking for some "perfect" place to move to and raise our son. Difficult, as we can really only look to buy where there are potential jobs for dear Hubby. This has given me migraine headaches for 2 years!!!

OOOH OOOH, I just got something! Because I've been looking for the "right place" for us to live for 2+ years and I've made wrong decisions about them (or deemed them wrong), I am mistrusting my own judgement!!! I equate making a move with making another wrong decision, therefore I am paralyzing myself: I want to move, but I don't want to move! Now what to do about that? I am going to wait for the Universe to give me another answer...(I'm waiting...still waiting...I think I'll go eat dinner now...).

WOW!!! Just got this in my Inbox: http://www.scienceofgettingrich.net/action.pdf

I am reading it now, it is about the problem of DOING too much towards our goals. A quote: "Most of our actions are out of fear,worry, or doubt."

Enough said! I think I will be re-evalutating my current actions...

And just had a conversation with my DH which was self-revealing. I ended up saying that the main reason that I don't want to get involved where I am living is because I don't want to end up seeming like a "flake" to those who I get to know. In other words, if I join groups, make friends, la la la, only to leave in a few months time, I reckon that I will be seen as some sort of transient, or will-o-the-wisp; just some sort of illusory, rootless, flake-o.

So that's it for tonight, need to read and journal and meditate on what is coming up.
Love to all, CK

BEING FULLY PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR!

I first thought of doing a video blog about this (at YouTube, do a search for Clarion13 to see my previous ones), but while meditating this morning it seemed that it would be better to write it here.

I made a realization the other day about "being grateful for where I am now." I have been working on becoming grateful for where I've been the past year, both spiritually and physically. Somehow spiritual acceptance is easier than having gratitude for the physical things. I had a hard time being grateful for our last rental house, for instance (too many reasons to go into).

The things that became clear to me over the past few days are:

1. Being grateful for my current body means not only taking care of it, but taking care of what I wear on it. I have gotten rid of a huge amount of clothes lately, things that I have hung onto just because they fit, new things that I just don't like, etc. So I've pared it down to the things I LOVE to wear right now (making room for a few new things), which allows me to properly SEE the things I do love (they are no longer clogged together with things that give me less pleasure).
I did some IRONING the other day, too, which I normally don't bother with, but it gave me a sense of taking better care of me. I don't want to look, or feel "rumpled," even when I'm just hanging out at home. I had some trousers that I haven't worn in ages, just because they were too wrinkly! I won't go as far as to iron my undies though, some people are just too obsessive about their ironing!

AND I am going to allow myself to buy some new clothes, even though I am losing weight (4 pounds so far!). I was at a mall last weekend, ignoring the clothes shops, telling myself that I'll wait to buy when I'm thinner. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!?! Well, when I got home I reconsidered and decided that giving myself a new outfit at this weight will reinforce the love I am creating for the whole of me, cellulite and all.

2. Creating the home I love means starting where I am now. Well, as we are renting (3rd house in 2 years), this won't be the house that I choose to make into my dream home. We have known that it will be temporary since we moved in. Suffice it to say, it FEELS temporary and I have ignored the decorating (bare walls), organizing, and even the cleaning a bit. While shopping this weekend I found some new bath accessories that I though "hey, these would look great in our bathroom." I then went through a tug-of-war, trying to convince my oh-so-rational side that it would do me some good to have bath rugs that matched our current bathroom! Crazy, huh? Well, the new energy won out, we got a couple of things that are just perfect in there and make it feel like "MY bathroom."

I realized that the problem has been in thinking that if I made myself at home here that I will somehow get STUCK here. But now I am feeling that the opposite is true!!! If I can be at home, wherever I am, in efffect BEING GRATEFUL for the walls in which I live, then that energy will return to me in abundance.

We had a lot of issues in our last home, though it was bigger, had a lovely garden, etc. I wasn't able to allow myself to enjoy it, and I manifested a lot of headaches (physical and emotional!).

SO, I'm on my way to being more me, to living and loving the moment, not worrying about how the new body, or our next home are going to manifest. I just KNOW that they will.

Just mulling over some of the mini-manifestations that have been happening in my life the past week, and wanted to put them into cyber-space...

Someone in our Challenge group said that the little things that manifest are great because they let us know that we are on the right track! Road signs don't have to be big to be helpful, eh?

Last week I managed to book a holiday apartment that met every single one of my requirements (its about time!) and the strange thing was that it gave me the feeling of being in my grandparent's old beach house, as it was a tranquil, classy place, too, though different in many ways. When we met the owners, they told us that they have just bought a holiday rental in Italy as well. I just "knew" that they would say that it is in Lake Como--and I was right! It is actually in the small town that Shaun and I spent a week visiting in 2002, Varenna (they even knew the hotel we stayed in). I thought "geez, small world," but I also believe that this is a wee reminder of how energies can meet up and do a little synchronicity dance! The neat thing is that I got the feeling (after being there) that one day I will own vacation homes in the places I love, too.

Other little items:
1. I decided last week that I needed to find a good CD to meditate to and I found one at the Aquarium we went to on Sunday! I really love it, and I just happen to have heard it while standing in the queue to pay for some of my son's trinkets.

2. Figuring out that I have a"food sensitivity" last week meant a lot to me, as I had decided to LOVE my body no matter what, and that very day I had some REAL answers about what has been bothering me!

3. Finding the article in the "O" magazine that talked about "Improvization for the Spirit," which got me completly excited, inspired, and "juiced," as my new web-friend Lilou says! I now have the idea to run Improv workshops for people who want to find their inner voice ;-D

4. Being able to quickly find a photo and a bit of paper pertaining to my airline days that I wanted to use in a Vlog was pretty dang cool...

AND

5. Finding a bit of paper alongside that other bit of paper...which was a glowing evaluation from an Improvization coach (during a course I took in Seattle).
Now THAT is SYNCHRONICITY!!!

The Universe is no doubt telling me stuff, and will continue to do so! I just have to remember to listen.

Love and Light,
CJK