MY FLIPPIN' GOALS!

I am grumpy at my goals, I've been cursing at them for taunting me ! I am not happy with the goals, and I don't think that they are happy with me, even though I created them with the best intentions (i.e., they were my best guess at what I wanted).

I am intending to flip them on their wee little heads, shock them into doing that "particle collapse" thing (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHKQWU0PTjw).

Where do i start??? Some of my goals aren't even what I want now! I didn't know that before today. So I will tackle the two that are giving me the most unclear feelings:

1. I no longer feel that I want to write something to be published, at least not at this point in my life. I just wanted to be WRITING, as it is a tool that I can use to get stuff across, to just "emote," and to share with others. But "being a published writer," just doesn't feel like who I am in this present state of being. I am physcially expressive, vocally communicative, and acting/public speaking/teaching are the mediums that feels the best to me to use....
AND... I DID have this epiphany about 2 weeks ago (if you didn't know): I found an article in Oprah magazine about a woman who is using Improvisation to help people to expand who they are and find their voices...and thought, "I want to do that! THAT IS SO ME!!!!"
BUT...I haven't done any acting for a few years, have no major degrees (B.A. in Acting only), and feel that my credentials are too poor to say that I am an "expert" in Improv, or to declare that I am qualified to teach it. Sigh...
FLIPPIN' HECK! How am I going to manifest anything feeling this way??? I am thinking about it, and it feels so good to visualize myself doing it, but it is the BELIEF part that I am now stuck on. So I am taking some ACTION to motivate my feelings: I've been looking for an Improvisation course or workshop to take, so my "muscles" get back into the acting vibe.
AND today I bought 2 books on Amazon about Improvisation. I hadn't thought of that before, and while looking for another book (The Law of Attraction by E. Hicks) I had the idea to look for books in that genre. Cool!

2. The "Home" I desire... This is the other toughy. I have got so many conflicting feelings about this that my head is spinning. We have moved 3 times in 2 years and I have regretted it each time. We are renting, as my husband has taken short-term job contracts and we are unable to commit to buying a house. This has been hard for me, as we owned our own house for 5 years and made it a home (and I miss that). I was bored and depressed after having my son and we thought that moving would do us some good. It didn't . I now know that I had to change internally before a move would make me any more settled.
SO, the issue now is that I haven't wanted to allow myself to enjoy living in any of the houses or towns I've been in, as I've been looking for some "perfect" place to move to and raise our son. Difficult, as we can really only look to buy where there are potential jobs for dear Hubby. This has given me migraine headaches for 2 years!!!

OOOH OOOH, I just got something! Because I've been looking for the "right place" for us to live for 2+ years and I've made wrong decisions about them (or deemed them wrong), I am mistrusting my own judgement!!! I equate making a move with making another wrong decision, therefore I am paralyzing myself: I want to move, but I don't want to move! Now what to do about that? I am going to wait for the Universe to give me another answer...(I'm waiting...still waiting...I think I'll go eat dinner now...).

WOW!!! Just got this in my Inbox: http://www.scienceofgettingrich.net/action.pdf

I am reading it now, it is about the problem of DOING too much towards our goals. A quote: "Most of our actions are out of fear,worry, or doubt."

Enough said! I think I will be re-evalutating my current actions...

And just had a conversation with my DH which was self-revealing. I ended up saying that the main reason that I don't want to get involved where I am living is because I don't want to end up seeming like a "flake" to those who I get to know. In other words, if I join groups, make friends, la la la, only to leave in a few months time, I reckon that I will be seen as some sort of transient, or will-o-the-wisp; just some sort of illusory, rootless, flake-o.

So that's it for tonight, need to read and journal and meditate on what is coming up.
Love to all, CK