I've been on quite a ride with what I've uncovered this week, it has left me with lots to ponder, & write about. I have uncovered several fears (that annoying "F" word!) and can now see that these fears have even affected my marriage. I have been afraid to be ME, plain and simple, probably have for years. I'm reading (re-reading) Dan Millman's book "The Life you Were Born to Live" and I'm getting some answers there. If you don't know of him he's the Peaceful Warrior guy: www.danmillman.com. He is going to be in the UK next month so I may go hear him speak!

Anyway, the CCOR group on YouTube (link) has supported me in a way that I never expected, at all. I've gotten such amazing feedback and some amazing comments about what I'm doing. Sometimes people say that I'm POWERFUL and INSPIRING (my Vision Board has a few of these statements on there, so I'm not surprised that I drew that stuff really...), but it has given me crazy feelings, overwhelming ones sometimes, and has left me a bit uncomfortble sometimes...

I have been working on "WHY" I feel strange about that, and have discovered that I was not giving myself permission to walk in the power of who I am...

Now that I am doing the 100 Day Challenge I feel like I have woken up to MY possibilities, not just the possibilities that can come my way (though those are really the same thing, in a wacky, quantum, We-Are-The-World sort of way). I somehow "know" I am powerful and yet have been running from that notion.

One of my all-time favourite quotes is this one by Marianne Williamson (from Return to Love):

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that's within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we automatically give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

To me, this sums up my Co-Creating Our Reality experience so far!!!

I love the book Return to Love and I always have a out-of-body sensation when reading that bit. Anyway, I journalled a lot about the fear of "accepting the feelings of others" and what surfaced was this: I am afraid of my own feelings, insticnts, and power. It is also hard for me to allow myself to affect people without feeling responsible for their feelings.

I have often said to my husband, "I can't be responsible for your feelings!" ... But the other day it really hit me: there is a huge connection to my fears and what I say to him! I didn't want to be responsible for ANYONE'S feelings, or their reactions to me. Good or Bad ones!! I haven't known how to accept that I affect other people without then feeling responsible for them or worried about their reactions to me (read that: insecurity)!

I was rejected as a child for being myself and expressing myself (weren't we all?). For me it was the fact that I was the smart girl at school and because I was ahead of other kids I got bullied, ridiculed, and often ignored. My parents both let go of their responsiblities to me when i was young, too. My father stopped being around both physically and financially, and my mother stopped being there emotionally. I was about 8 when they divorced and I felt that I suddenly didn't matter. That feeling has stuck around, just letting go of it now. Wow...

As a result, no one represented for me how to be responsible for the well-being of others OR MYSELF. I missed the lesson that I affect others, and how to do that in a loving and caring, yet self-full way. I now know that these are feelings that I allowed to stay with me, and I coped by blaming others for "making me feel" those crappy feelings...

I now accept that I can let that all go and I can become stronger every day!

During this "letting go" session, I remembered what Oprah says, "Beyond your deepest pain lies your greatest purpose" (or something like that!). My deepest fear WAS to express the TRUE ME, so my greatest purpose now IS to assist others in allowing their own TRUTHS to come to light.

So now, I am allowing myself to be who I am and share my light, care for others, and also to set boundaries so I don't absorb too much energy from others. I know that what I have to contribute matters. I also know that if my style of expression isn't right for someone, that is okay by me.

I Matter. I am Me. I am worthy of self-expression!

Scary stuff to realize, but freedom is mine!!! What did that Jesus dude say? The Truth will set you free!!!??? He was so right. ;-).

Better go, I've got some major life changes to sort out (I'll update here soon)...